I don’t dive into my personal life that often. The reason behind that is pretty obvious. Past situations have scarred me to the point where talking about anything personal was permanently off limits. You couldn’t even get me to honestly tell you how my day was going. A simple “it’s cool” or “it’s okay” would be my general responses to those type of questions. But the reality behind it, was that I was really hurting, suffering, stressing, ducking and dodging. My mother is a strong woman. I’ve watched her for 27 years carry the weight of the world on her back without so much as a tear or a complaint. Let’s just say that being strong is one of the character traits that I took from her.
Everybody has a strong friend. The one who seems to have it all together. Following their dreams, in healthy relationships, always having the answers to all of your problems, you know. You may even be that strong friend in your circle. Being strong is all well and good until it’s your turn to vent, cry, kick, scream. For me, I have learned over the years to handle the shit in my home and fix my face before I walk out of the front door every morning. I’m constantly telling myself, “Em, you got this”, “You’re bigger than this”, or my usual “I’m good. I’m always good, even when I’m not.” But eventually, that shrug of the shoulder became too hard to brush off. Eventually, the issues I was facing were too heavy for me shake away.
Let me be honest. It’s been a while since I wrote some real shit. And this will probably be the realest shit that I’ll ever write. The things that I have dealt with ended up putting a hold on my writing for a while. I mean, I couldn’t even write anything of substance. I may have gotten out two or three sentences out but then my fingers would stop moving. I would close my laptop or drop the pen or even close out of the notes on my iPhone. So then I figured that it was time for me to address those issues in an attempt to move forward.
Remember that book I wrote? Betrayal In The City? The one on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Black Eden Publications and Google Play’s website? It’s the one that I’ve been talking about! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, make sure you check it out. I had the cover revamped and now it has my man and I on it. It’s dope! But anyway, so Betrayal In The City was released on March 24, 2017! It was truly a happy moment for me. The support that I’ve received from fans of my work has been amazing! I didn’t know how to take all of it at first.
Here I was, just working a regular decent paying 9 to 5 with the weekends off job, kicking it with my friends and family and loving on my man to publishing my first book, writing more samples, working on a second book, internships and networking with other authors. The high that I felt was better than any weed that I’ve smoked. I quit my job on a whim and thought I wanted to write full time. I figured I would just write since that was the one thing I was good at. That’s when all of the offers came. Partnerships, book events, interviews and others who just wanted to be nosey. It was alot to deal with. Questions of what’s next and when the second book would be coming out were coming at me faster than the money was. And I didn’t have the answers for that. I still don’t.
I soon realized that it was more to becoming a published author than I thought. I learned quickly that networking was a major key to being a successful well-known author and that wasn’t the best news to a true introvert. I don’t purposely keep natural mean mug on my face or walk around with headphones every day, staying in my own lane. I enjoyed my private time and personal space. I liked to get out every now and then. I hated talking on the phone and barely liked texting. But email? Ohhhhh, I loved email. I was down for e-communication all day. Needless to say, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I just wanted to write the book I always said I would as a child. Now that I did, I just wanted to chill.
And then the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant June 11, 2017. I was so excited! My boyfriend was excited. Our families were excited. Everybody was excited! We were having our first baby! It’s something about knowing that you have a kid on the way that makes you want to get your shit together quickly. The next day, June 12, 2017, I had an ultrasound confirming the sac was there with an estimated due date around February 16, 2017. My Grandfather was in the hospital at the time. When my mom told him the news, he was happy. He told my mother that he hoped he lived long enough to see my baby.
June 14th, 2017, my mom took me out to a Chinese buffet. We were just catching up, having a mother-daughter day when I noticed a puddle of blood in my seat. I rushed to the bathroom, told mom what was going on and we rushed back to my house. I continued to bleed. Dark blood clots. I was scared. I was scared that a miscarriage was happening to me again for the second time. I kept telling myself, “This couldn’t be happening to me.” “God wouldn’t do me like this.” “I’m just overreacting.”
My mom called my dad and brother and I called my boyfriend who was at work and they all showed up the house. Even though my parents offered to go to the hospital with me, my boyfriend assured them that he had me and he had it under control. (Side Note: I love you, baby! <3) The emergency room told me that I was exhibiting signs of a miscarriage but since my HCG levels were still rising, they couldn’t confirm.
I don’t remember much else from that moment besides my boyfriend telling me not to lose faith, think positive, it’s not over. But in my heart, I knew. I knew that it was over. The following doctor visit on June 17, 2017 confirmed that it was happening. I was miscarrying again and the sac was no longer there.
I cried the hardest that I’ve ever cried when I got home that night. I didn’t have the energy to eat anything, say anything, do anything. I didn’t want to do anything except question God and cry some more. My man. My man. My man came through for me. He was supportive. He let me cry my heart out. He held me while I cried and when I wanted to be mad at God, he wouldn’t let me. And even though that happened three months ago, I still find myself randomly having bursts of extreme sadness at the thought of losing a baby. I felt like it wasn’t fair. I was a good person, I didn’t bother anybody, I minded my business, I cussed a lot, but I still loved the Lord. What the hell happened? Life happened. That’s what.
I ended up starting another job two days after that miscarriage. It was good for me because it kept me busy. It kept my mind off of what happened and that’s what I needed. I’ll say this again. I learned how to handle my shit in the house and fix my face before I walk out of the front door every morning. So on the outside, I was good! Things appeared to be getting better for me. I was working again, getting back to my old self until my Grandfather died three months later. I’m still upset about his passing. I feel like it shouldn’t have been his time. He was supposed to live long enough to see me have my first kid, see me get married and do great shit! How could be just get taken away like that? Fuck cancer! I can’t say it any other way than that. He wasn’t supposed to go. That’s my feeling and I am sticking to it.
I used to think that people sometimes had a hand in the cards that they are dealt throughout life. I didn’t really believe in bad luck either. Just when I thought I could keep on pushing, I found out that my father was diagnosed with glaucoma and it will eventually lead to blindness. So. I had a miscarriage for the second time, I lost my Grandfather and now my Father has a strong possibility of ending up blind within the next 5 to 10 years? Damn, life! Back at it again with the bullshit. As much as I want to break down and cry, I won’t allow myself to let all of this consume me. That doesn’t mean that I won’t cry, get upset, or show much emotion. It just means that once I cry it all out and get it allllllllllllllllll the way out, I refuse to cry over it again. I mean after all, I have to be prepared for the next obstacle that life might throw at me.
In the midst of all the rain that has been hitting me lately, I know that the sun is somewhere around the corner. And there is always someone else out there who has it worse off than me. Who am I to complain? I mean, I’m writing this post now and this is the most that I’ve written in months. Even though I’m getting my shit together gradually, slow progress is still progress nonetheless. That’s just what I’ve been dealing with over these past couple of months. I know I’ve been a little m.i.a lately. But I promise it’s not intentional. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and get your mental back together. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break every now and then.
**October Is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. If you need support please call "Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support" 800-821-6819
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EM Woodz Aka The Dream Big Pretty is A Nashville, TN native, Em is a twenty something year old millennial writer. When she isn’t penning a new book, she can usually be found stalking Pinterest for the latest trends, planning new vacations or enriching the lives of others with motivation. Feel free to follow her journey on Instagram: @thatFANCYwriter| Facebook: Em Woodz | Wattpad: thatFANCYwriterEM